Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
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Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
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Bobby pin
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“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool