I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
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[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
what’s really going on
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.