Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
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“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
broke down and did it
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio