The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
You Might Also Like
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.