Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
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Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
This trial is so absurd 😭
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
#parenting
when you don’t want to be too vague