In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
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interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
the answer was staring at me all along
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.