Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
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“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
Best spot.. 😅
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”