Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
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A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Somebody call the cops.
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I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
Very problematic
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This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
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