Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
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me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
Room with a view.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET