TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
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Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.