Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
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Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.