rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
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“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
Tuesday
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!