I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
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So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
handsome & gretel
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle