Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
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The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
Auto correct is my worst enema.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.