Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
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Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
mechanics be like
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.