[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
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Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
there has never been a better use of this meme
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
Ion see the issue
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*