Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
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Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
no cat here
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
Breaking news:
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
Bless you
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.