Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
You Might Also Like
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.