Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.

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My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.


Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.


[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*


Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.


I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.


Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.


Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.


If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.


My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.