Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
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I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that