Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
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Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?