[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
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I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
Miscakes
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.