[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
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Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”