Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
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My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
i now pronounce you bounced.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
having children is a pyramid scheme.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*