This woman is my idol. Free her.
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ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
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Uncertain:
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Just married:
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Pregnant:
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Dead:
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ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit