Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
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ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!