Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
![]()
You Might Also Like
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
Google Pay be like:
![]()
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Cause of death: Zumba