Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Hears loud noise*

Me: What are y’all doing?

5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!

6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.

Don’t tempt me kid.

Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.

*phone rings*

Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”

Me – *strips naked and does running man*

Wife – “….”

My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.

Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.

I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person

I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix

him: I’m gonna kill you

me: oh no

him: with kindness

me: awww

him: kindness is my pet wolf

me: oh no again

how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it

Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions

Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun

Cop: Was it a revolver?

Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal

If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.

Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.

I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—

My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???

I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.

Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.

I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.

In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead

I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.

A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.

Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀

“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.

What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?

Me: look at this stupid thing lol

Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me

I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.

my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.

Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.

PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine

ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny

PHYSICIST: Not that many

The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on

Unscramble: pnise

If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.

Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?

Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.

“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”

Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.