buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
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Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Who did it better?
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Body by Oreos
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-