My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
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I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
These are my emotional support Pringles.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁