They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
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Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to