[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
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waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
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7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”