if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
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Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
this is the best interaction on twitter
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
The best plant holders?