Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
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I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
This sounds bad:
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Try and stop me.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale