I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
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Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
#Caturday
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there