Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
You Might Also Like
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
Me when someone tries to get to know me
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
Still laughing at this stupid meme
i like to flex on them by shrugging
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.