My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
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Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
Confused owl: What?!
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
Friends that check up on you >
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”