Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
You Might Also Like
Salad is the decaf of food.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
When your man makes a valid point
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.