Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
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Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
Cha-ching is my safe word
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit