I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
You Might Also Like
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
new shirt idea
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.