Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
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Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
*scroll*
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
*scroll*
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Sounds about right. 😂🤣
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.