Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
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Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
This line from Airplane.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
Risking my life for fun.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.