I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
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i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Home #decor warning.
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For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it