I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
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Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home