Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
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I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now