Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
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I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
“Wait, let me explain..”
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
A little too much information.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.