Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
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That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
not to brag, but mine was free
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
“The Perfect Relationship”
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead