It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
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Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
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Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]