It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
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The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
And they lived apathetically ever after.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me