It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it

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For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”


” National No Bra Day”?

I say pics or it didn’t happen day.


How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.


I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.


The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.


My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”


I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.


Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.


If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.


It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.