I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
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My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE