I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
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INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
the prophecy has been fulfilled
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
and now we wait
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here