figuring out my emotional availability:
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Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out