I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
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Social distancing in Australia:
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
what
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
Good morning y’all ☀️
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.