Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
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The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
Cheer up.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.