I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
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[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”
Actually I am.
I’m technically a serial killer.
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
So what do you think?
* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.