The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
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guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.